i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
