Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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