Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
