If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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