i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
