She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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