New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
