Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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