I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
