Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
