Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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