I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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