How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
