when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
