just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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