I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Apparently you make a good broom.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
