This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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