How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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