I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my being single is dangerous.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
