Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
