Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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