apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
