Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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