I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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