How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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