my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
