ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
