i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
