Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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