last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
