he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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