Soap is not a condiment
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
