Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
