Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
