Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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