Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
