I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
