Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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