the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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