She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize