WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
