Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
