i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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