i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
