also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
