so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
