Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I can't turn off my feet"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
