wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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