I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
