please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just had sex bonerless
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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