and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
