he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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