Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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