It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
