Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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