He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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