Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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