apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
