I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
