I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
