omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
