Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We're too hungover to prance.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
