One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Pants are for mortals
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
