I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You can't special order awesome
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize