I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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