The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
