Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
