I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
